We all know how it feels to have expectations weighing on us—whether they’re from others or ourselves. Sometimes, we set the bar so high that it becomes impossible to meet. And when that happens, it can leave us feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and unworthy. The worst part? We often don’t even realize how much we’re letting these expectations affect our well-being.
On our journey toward feeling better, it’s important to find ways to let go of these heavy expectations. That’s why today, we’re diving into the expectations—especially the toxic ones—that we put on ourselves and others. Let’s take a closer look and figure out how we can release them to feel healthier and more at peace. As we always say, having real conversations is key to reducing stigma. So let’s talk about mental health and how expectations play a role!
What Are Expectations and Why Do They Matter?
Expectations are the hopes or beliefs we have about how things should unfold. These societal and personal benchmarks are often tied to the milestones we are “supposed” to achieve at certain points in life.
For instance, many expectations imposed on us include:
- Career achievements: We’re expected to have a certain job title or salary by a particular age.
- Relationships: Society expects us to be in a stable relationship, married, or have children by a certain age.
- Behavior: We’re expected to always remain calm and composed.
- Social conformity: We should follow the “right” way to behave according to societal norms.
The list could go on forever, and it’s easy to see how these expectations, both personal and societal, can become overwhelming. Read more about letting go of expectations for a fresh start for 2025.
Self-Expectations
While family and friends often impose certain expectations on us, we are often the harshest critics of ourselves. We set the bar high, believing we must follow a prescribed path without considering the toll it takes on our well-being.
Friendly reminder: You don’t need to have it all figured out by the age of 30, 40, 50, or ever. You can take your time, and that’s perfectly fine.
Setting rigid expectations can often lead to self-sabotage. We believe the path is already mapped out for us, and we push ourselves relentlessly to meet standards that may not even align with our true desires.
Setting Expectations on Others
Let’s be real: how many times have we expected someone to act the way we would in a given situation? Or hoped someone would respond just as we would? I realized that people don’t always meet the expectations we have of them, and that’s okay.
Pro tip: Lowering what you expect from others will not only reduce frustration, but it can also lead to more pleasant and genuine relationships. People are not mind readers, and they won’t always meet your imagined standards.
Recognizing and Overcoming Toxic Expectations
Toxic expectations are those that pressure us, limit us, and weigh us down. They lead us to experience negative emotions and mental strain. For instance, when we feel pressured to do something just because others expect it of us, we stray from our true desires and, often, our own happiness.
The good news is, while shedding these expectations is a challenge, it is entirely possible. We’ve spent years cultivating these beliefs about what we “should” do, and that takes time to undo. But recognizing that we don’t need to live up to everyone’s expectations is the first step toward freeing ourselves.
So how can we start overcoming these toxic expectations?
- Recognize them: Reflecting on our emotions can help us identify when expectations are weighing us down.
- Accept them: Acknowledge that these expectations exist and that it’s okay to feel them.
- Work through them: Processing and deconstructing toxic expectations is essential.
- Communicate: Talking about how we feel helps us find healthier, more realistic goals.
How Do They Impact Our Mental Health
In this post, Nedra Glover Tawwab, Therapist, lists unrealistic expectations we might be attempting to live up to:
- Breaking every generational curse/cycle in your family with no support.
- Doing everything all at once.
- Always being in a good mood.
- Knowing as much as possible before starting.
- Keeping it together at all times.
- Marking everything off your to-do list.
- Presenting things in a neat way.
- Knowing the right thing to say in every situation.
Exhausting, right?
These types of unrealistic standards create constant pressure and lead to emotional exhaustion. Constantly trying to meet these expectations can increase stress, anxiety, and even feelings of depression. The key is recognizing them and releasing the hold they have on your mind.
Practical Tips for Managing Expectations
Managing expectations, whether self-imposed or external, is essential for your mental health. Here are some practical tips to help you along the way:
- Find a Space to Reflect: Take some time to think about your current goals. Are they realistic? Are they aligned with your true desires or someone else’s?
- Communicate Clearly: When expectations are too high or unclear, it’s important to express your feelings and set boundaries. It’s okay to say no and put yourself first.
- Be Flexible: Life doesn’t always go according to plan, and that’s perfectly fine. Learn to adjust and adapt to changes rather than forcing outcomes.
- Prioritize Your Well-Being: Always check in with yourself. Are you meeting your own needs? Are you taking care of your mental health before trying to meet others’ expectations?
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge when you’ve done your best and forgive yourself when things don’t go according to plan.
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Our Secret Ingredients: Self-Care & Self-Love
While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, we have two secret ingredients for letting go of toxic expectations: self-care and self-love. As we always say, you come first. Your priorities, choices, and beliefs are what matter most.
It’s easy to get caught up in what others expect of us, but it’s essential to reconnect with what you truly want. Take time to listen to your own desires and create space for your needs. This isn’t about letting go of ambition or goals—it’s about giving yourself permission to pursue what truly nourishes your mind, body, and soul.
Letting go of toxic expectations is a process, but it’s worth it. The healthier your relationship with what you expect, the better your mental and emotional well-being will be. Be kind to yourself—allow yourself to grow without the burden of unrealistic standards. Your true potential lies in being authentic and true to yourself.
You come first. Your priorities, your choices, your beliefs—those matter most. Now, ask yourself: Are you living for yourself or for someone else’s expectations?
Take a breath. Reflect. And start prioritizing yourself again. You deserve it.