Dear Jamie Rose,
My partner and I have started to get intimate. They told me they really like it when I am vocal and talk with them through sex. My partner is trans and I don’t know how to refer to their genitals when I do talk with them. Any advice?
When it comes to genitalia, there are so many names out there. We can never assume what our partner wants us to call theirs. Even as a cisgender woman, there are some words I don’t feel comfortable with my partner using. You should have a conversation with your partner! I know it can be awkward to bring up sometimes, but you should have a conversation outside of a sexual setting. Maybe when you two are watching TV or lounging in bed. If you don’t spend a lot of personal time with your partner, you can even text them about it!
Here are a couple of conversation starters:
- I want to make sure you feel comfortable when we are talking about your genitals, what do you call them?
- Hey, I was wondering if you would be comfortable with telling me what you want me to call your genitals?
- Hey, I really like talking dirty with you, but I want to make sure you’re comfortable when we chat. What do you want me to call your genitals?
- I noticed you get uncomfortable when I talk about your genitals. Do you have specific words you use or don’t want me to use?
Maybe after having this conversation, you’ll find out that your partner isn’t super aware of how they like to be referred. Have some common names in your pocket, if you can’t think of any, you might want to look up Synonyms of Genitalia.
Remember, this is an ongoing conversation. Maybe you came across a word you want to introduce to your partner or you notice your partner start to get uncomfortable when you use a certain word. Make sure you’re always checking in with your partner to make sure their sexual experience is as pleasant as yours.